Dear Taiwo; cranky, confused, angry, bored teenage Taiwo,
Yes, you are still Taiwo, not yet Tinuade. I think we should just abandon that dream. Taiwo isn’t all that bad, get used to it. Of course the remix versions: T-tai, Tayelolu that your Uncles and Aunties use are awesome but I don’t see you introducing yourself to any employer with a “Good day, I am Miss T-Tai” do you? But that ‘Taiye’ name I will never bear. How did Taiwo become Taiye? I don’t know why you allowed anybody call you that – Taiye. Eeew! Before you begin to frown, let me tell you that it is a very distasteful habit and will give me wrinkles so stop!
Right now I’m wearing a yellow skirt… and there’s more where that came from too! a pink, a brown, a grey, lots of blacks and dresses en masse. No. Mummy didn’t refuse to buy trousers and you are not in Babcock university. I actually bought them. You finally grew out of the tom-boy phase. I think it had something to do with being in that boarding school for six years. I know… I know, we all thought daddy will change it in time for SS 1 but turns out your father is a sly. Amongst other things in this school, you will learn to lie spontaneously, clear large plots of lands, carry bricks and crawl on gravel. Believe me, that school was nicknamed Louisville Camp of Female Torture for all the right reasons.
Sweetie, When mummy said you looked like a monkey, it was a joke. You need to relax and not take people or things that seriously. if you’re a monkey, she’s a monkey. Funny enough, that singular comment saved me from having to dedicate a lot of my pocket-money to make-up. I remember you took what she said to chess-level and told her monkeys don’t use make-up each time she tried. You were so stubborn! Oops.. still are. 🙂 Make-up? oh no, I’m still too lazy for all that…
Your nails are fixed… at least that’s what everyone says. Connect the dots? YES! You’ve stopped biting your nails. Crazy innit? I don’t even know how it happened. One day you were snacking away at your nail-crackers and the next…you have a collection of nail polish.
You actually like him… Kehinde. Can’t believe it? Yeah well, that makes two of us but you like him and one day you even wanted to go visit him, all the way from CU, on your own…. Crazy right. Now, you can thank God you didn’t sell him. By the way, he’s taller than you now. So all those ‘what’s-going-on-down-there’ jokes are extinct. Very extinct.
We’re not in Lere anymore. And you’re something of a ‘waka-about-town.’ I know crazy right. You would have thought you’ll just sit on the bed reading your novels day-in day-out. Speaking of novels, guess who doesn’t. You! Not that you don’t read them anymore but not as much and pure romance novels have become something of a bore same old story line. Boy meets girl. Big problem. Get back together. Yawn.
Remember that deep-seated hatred for guys you had for guys? Yeah well, you were ruthless and rude to many a guy when you left school not only because they were animals, because they were, but also because they made the mistake of thinking that because they were fine you’ll agree for them. Now, you have realized that not all were like that and you have one as a best-friend too. Close your mouth please, it’s not that much of a shock. (such a drama-queen).
Speaking of which… guess who can take pictures that don’t scare small children? You can. You’re pretty chic now; Some might even say beautiful. Of course ‘some’ might just be horny. But whatever. the truth is you are really pretty now.I should put a picture here to wipe that yimu off of your face, but I actually think the time you looked like a skull actually helped keep that baggage load of Odutola-pride you carry around in check so believe me or not, fact is you’re sha stuck with ugly for now…
3-year old best-friend alert! LOL- laugh out loud. You probably don’t know the meaning of that but right now it’s a thing on twitter and Facebook. And of course your best-friend is not three years old, stupid. You have a best-friend and you’ve known each other for three years. (Yeah, of course you knew that’s what I meant *rolling eyes here*). Some say you look-alike and assume you guys are twins, others say we have the same opinions and at one time we seemed to be wearing almost the exact same clothes. All I know is she’s your best-friend and she punches like a man.
You still hate yam, spring-roll and amala, and the sight of egusi still brings up the visual of eggs broken in vegetable soup, you seem to have developed an eating disorder of some sort; you eat once a day in school and at home you feast like a bird six times a day. Feast on rubbish that is. One chicken by 6am. Four tablespoon fulls of rice by 8am. A slice of cake by 10am. A slice of bread and two pieces of meat by 12pm. A soup bowl of gari or one moin-moin by 2pm. Fry a plantain by 4, of which half will be stolen by bandits a.k.a brothers. And by dinner time, take a little bit so mum won’t start with the You-Don’t-Need-To-Lose-Weight-Speech of 1997. Wake up hungry by 3am and have a chicken…true story sweetie. This is you.
‘Seriously’ and ‘what the f&*^!’ are words you can’t do without. You are still quite argumentative but with a twist. You argue to prove the other person is wrong. Personally, you might or mightn’t be right, but the other person must be wrong or stupid. I am proud to also say you have learnt and perfected that just fine and many a Facebook friend can attest to this.
Push your fear of water aside and pick your poison: 2-piece or 1-piece? Well you look good in either, though I tend to like the 2-piece more. However, guys just can’t handle themselves when you’re in that so… y-you don’t understand? You’re a smart girl, connect the dots. YOU SWIM! The clues were everywhere! How can you not get? You’re so dumb! Yeah I’ll call you what I like! So annoying! Just take out the fun in everything!
. . .
And finally, you’re still a child and I mean that in the best way possible. You still believe in ‘happy ever after’… You still watch cartoons and horror movies are still a big NO-NO. Girls fighting over a guy is still wrong, slow songs and sad romance movies still make you cry. Two words, one movie – Dear John.
Watch out for a boy… he’s going to break your heart.
Your future self…