that damn holiday!

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So I read a post on this blog I just discovered on reasons to hate christmas http://livenerddierepeat.wordpress.com/2011/12/18/six-reasons-to-be-afraid-of-christmas/. I kinda expected him to go along the lines of Jesus and some crap story on whether he existed or not. I was ready for abuse and to abuse (it’s being a while since I have had one of those and I’m having withdrawal symptoms (mouth twitching and jerking). Anyways, he was actually talking about father christmas. I was as disappointed as a suicide bomber who didn’t die in the bombing.

I, honestly, don’t think there’s any Nigerian kid that believes in Father Christmas… who ever believed in him in fact. Father Christmas over here is a thin black man with a very scanty sagging stomach (that resembles a kwashiorkor patient’s) in ugly red costume, a weird white thing on his mouth (the beard) and black shoes.

If, however, you still do believe in father christmas. I’m sorry for ruining your childhood. I suspect you live in ‘the abroad’. With your chubby well fed and trained father Christmases with real beards, why won’t you? I also suspect you have seeds of ‘I-will-sue-you’ starting to take root in your mind and hoping to get serious money. I must warn you that I am Nigerian and have watched many episodes of Ally McBeal, Law and Order and I know all Denny Crane’s moves. So you had best go and find another get-rich-quick scheme elsewhere. Besides, suing an African really?  Forget the fact that I am an African and most of the world has this idea that Africa is this large country of people going around with loin leaves and living in huts made of dung. This posts aren’t sent letter oh!  Besides, I will sue you for this wasted paragraph. And use the money to finally get a new black shoe so PLEASE do sue!!!

the Nigeria they never show on TV

So, what is Christmas about. it’s about a fat man. But not just any fat man, it’s a fat man with criminal records. Proof:

1. Fat man has a tracker and a spy camera in your house! Monitoring your kids to know whether their being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ based on his own rules. Pervert. Invasion of privacy.

of course he's on facebook!!

2. Fat man arrives at your house with a sled of reindeer he has whipped like crazy to houses all over the world and no animal rights movement is called. Reindeer mistreatment.

more dirt on santa

what happens to complainers in the North pole

reindeer on facebook

 

3. Fat man breaks into your house through chimney or door. Burglary. Breaking and entering 

Santa's home!!

Santa's home!!

 

4. “Ho! Ho! Ho!” Who laughs like that. Why will he laugh like that except he’s high. Drug abuse.

What I actually don’t get is why parents use their hard-earned money to get things for their kids and pretend it’s from someone else.

Other holidays that I feel are completely unnecessary and need serious re-branding are:

VALENTINE’S DAY:

Symbolized by CUPID, a naked baby with wings and a weapon. This baby is more dangerous than I am. I’m a drunk archer. I can pass out in my own vomit without a shot. This ‘baby’ is supposed to choose who you fall in love with.  So, thanks to this baby, for one day of the year. You have got to get gifts for your mate (usually a girl) or consider yourself single!

And the single ones? Yeah well. You don’t matter. At all. You are unloved (mum’s I-love-you doesn’t count) and nobody wants you. #teamforeveralone

CHILDREN’S DAY:

Basically, paying for your feeding, education and stupid petty needs is not enough. There has to be a day set aside to celebrate the children? Really? Celebrate what? the embarrassment they dish out. The fact they can’t comprehend why 1 + 1 is 2. The fact that they leave home spic and span and come home looking like pigs? The fact that their too young to assist in must things but find it perfectly alright to destroy? This is actually the most pointless holiday till date.

BOXING DAY:

Investigation says, this is the day you’re supposed to open the gifts the fat guy brought on the 24th. Pretty silly ain’t it? The gift is there. Staring at me eyeball to eyeball. Taunting me with its shiny wrappings from every angle to angle.

Now, If it was a day to send boxers to people you hate now that’s a holiday idea!

P.S. Easter is not about a bunny with eggs. Bunnies don’t lay eggs. Ok?!

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10 thoughts on “that damn holiday!

  1. darreg

    wat part of Nigeria is dat beautiful picture u posted? and u can cancel all d hols 4 all i care but notin must hapn 2 my dear VALENTINE’S DAY

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