I am female hear me burp

Standard

“Every woman is a star with maggi,” the radio chirped happily. Before I had even finished rolling my eyes, one woman had already hissed and said “Oshi!”(Yoruba word meaning nonsense). “Abi oh!” another woman added “so if for say I no dey cook I come be man abi?” needless to add, the men in the bus cowered away and started to find interesting things to look at outside the bus and unearth their phones to make phones as the debate gained momentum. “mama nkechi* that no be wetin them talk; them say you no fit be star.” “so I come be moon abi? Or stone?” the men broke into unconscious laughter that quickly stopped when the women narrowed their eyes on them.

Somehow, there’s always this battle of the sexes waiting to jump out. In those far FAR centuries, it was actually really REALLY bad… women couldn’t vote, couldn’t have jobs, couldn’t go around unescorted, couldn’t take care of themselves,  couldn’t control any money… couldn’t do anything without a male figure present.

But, all that’s gone now innit? You can do almost anything you wanna do nowadays. Isn’t it time we, females,  calm down and chill out and enjoy this freedom we have. I don’t know about you oh, but honestly, it’s making my life suck! Totally! Look at me … My father makes me mow the lawn… he is also trying to coerce me into switching on the generator and repairing spoilt plugs. Next thing, it will be to carry the gas or steam the engine or repair the generator sef! I know some girls can do all that and more but I don’t envy them. I have dainty soft hands and I like them that way.

I’m a very feminine person, I like being taken care of… at the same time I don’t go around looking for someone to help me out of every minor issue. Somehow, it’s balanced so, I’m no Needy Nelly or Very Independent Veronica. I can stay in the generator house and even fiddle with it as far as there’s a guy there somewhere… so when it explodes I’ll cry and point at him. 🙂

There’s a guy I know, he doesn’t hate girls but, he thinks we’re all just 2-faced hypocrites and he NEVER helps out… He’s all for equality, everyone knows him for it. However, since we became friends, he has helped me plenty; carrying stuff, buying food when I’m stranded, ladies’ first… the whole works! Even tied my brogues lace once. There was another one who carried me when my shoe was so tight and i couldn’t walk (I know, I know… beauty is pain) and another who helped me get snacks one day I was so hungry I was seeing double. The one who stood for me to sit on the BRT…I can go on!

Now, if you think I’m saying guys are supposed to do that normally or that they have a hidden crush on me… you’re obviously retarded. The guys I know do it when they feel like it when they’re cool with it. Besides, I don’t make them feel silly or mock them…

So, please, call once in a while too… send credit if they sound like they need it… This can’t be the same for all guys oh! Some are full of shii and some are the asses that produce the shii… but some are pretty cool too. I know them.

I’m not talking about treating your boy-friend right… I’m talking about treating friends right! Except you don’t like them or you’re fronting (playing hard to get) or they take it for granted… do them good.

They open the door? Smile and say ‘thanks..’

They drop you off somewhere because you can’t drive? Smile and say ‘thanks..’

Because they do the same… I don’t know one guy I have called… ordinary call oh!… That hasn’t said ‘thanks for calling oh’. If you behave like a girl… they’ll treat you like a girl; if you behave like a guy, they treat you like a guy. Period.

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