To my future self… ②

Taiwo. I wonder what you’re like. First of all, did you get fat!?  I will hate that. Not that I have anything against fat people, but all those lovely clothes will now be out. That’s money gone oh!

Are you now using make-up. You know? ‘real makeup’ not the lip-stick eye-liner thingies? That can’t be fun: foundation, concealer, brown powder, white powder. I do not envy you.

Anyways, this letter comes because well…something is going on now. Something sad and strange and unwanted. You’re in the aftermath of a major heart-break, your very first (please let there be no others). You fell for a guy. Sometime when you turned 20. Sometime after you turned 21 it all went pear-shaped. Do you understand better now? Did you recover from all that? I need to know.

I need to know… you see, because you’re in a very bad place now. Not any of the people who know about this know just how bad a place you are. Because first you used to talk to them about it but not anymore…no point sharing your stupidity to everyone so they can use you as “let me not be stupid like Taiwo…” Now it’s inside, where you think and think on why you let it go so far… how it got so far…

But what I want to know, Is how it all played out in the end. Did you move on? Did you let another person in?  have you even forgotten it ever happened? Are you looking at this; thinking back and laughing because you can’t believe it ever happened. Do you bring it up yourself and laugh now because, dear future self, it doesn’t feel like you did. I can’t imagine allowing myself to go through anything like this again. I can’t imagine finding this funny at any time…

I need to know because on a normal day you have love songs playing and it barely brushes your consciousness but now, They almost make you cry. Not because you can’t cry; but your room-mate might see…

I need to know because I saw him yesterday; he had broken his leg. A friend went to meet him. ‘ass-licker’ I remember thinking and then I felt bad. It wasn’t her fault I couldn’t meet him to say whatever… since then, I’ve kinda felt we aren’t on the same side at all. My mind tells me to not talk to her about it anymore… I force myself to; she’s my friend, after all. I almost feel she sees this as a drama she’s caught in. “it’s not a drama,” I want to tell her “it’s my life…It’s not you wanting to understand why what happened and all that crap. It’s you giving a damn about me about what I’m going through… about you understanding.”

I know she says she went through this sometime before. Maybe it was this bad. But maybe… maybe this is actually a bit more because I’m more grown up than she was when she was sixteen and we’ve being dating causally for a year and I’ve kissed the guy and I think I might love him …but I’ve ‘x’ed her off it .

I need to know because guys are like this scary assholes out to get you… at least that’s what it looks like. Like they just see you and they’re like “sucker… lemme see how much crap I can feed her; she looks dense enough to scoop it all in.” and well you’re no-one’s sucker.

I need to know because I actually want to really REALLY fall for someone. That special one. And love him and everything, but I doubt if you’ll actually ever make the effort.

‘the fear of boys is the beginning of all wisdom.’

Yours in Vodka and arrows,

the drunk archer

(diary excerpt; dated 5th March, 2012)




4 thoughts on “To my future self… ②”

type now or forever hold your fingers :)

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