Over the past twelve months it has come, rudely and unexpectedly, to my attention that I am a battle-field when it comes to matters of the heart, due to an unexpected relationship with a guy (duh!) I met about December, 2010.
It all started to go down hill from March/ April. We weren’t even in a solid relationship then, we liked each other, hung out a lot but I had it at the back of my mind that I was going to be out of school for a long period – 6 months. I wanted him to have the space to hook-up with anyone without the girl-friend burden and I wasn’t so sure I could handle a long-distance thingies so I kind of had already cancelled the possibility of there being an ‘us’. But somehow we got into it unofficially, a relationship that is.
The problem with Long Distance Relationships, is that you hide a lot of things, skip out a lot of things, forget of lot of things but you always have to try to not end a conversation on an unhappy note. So, if you’re with someone who is not really into the whole calling-ish, you get into 2 minutes how-are-you-i-am-fine conversations. And after a while I lost the security I once had (undeservingly) that he liked me. So each call received was a surprise of ‘are you serious? He remembered me!’ at a time, I ought to have gone to school to see him, but I was so scared of he’s already being interested in someone else and my ending up with the gossip tales I just X-ed it up.
So we ended up drifting so far apart, being so little involved in the real ish of each others lives that it just hurt to even think about what had gone on. So, in July (July 24 to be exact a friend’s birthday) I called it off. It was stupid of me I know. Usually, you give the chance to talk things over but I really couldn’t handle the emotional aspect of it. The fact that unexpectedly I couldn’t just say “it’s over” to myself and have it express itself both internally and externally. The fact that I had actually developed real feelings for him.
The next four days were the worst I had ever being through. I couldn’t call him and explain the realization of what I had just discovered. That’s psycho. I was the one, after all, that had gone and done the ‘break-up’. In fact that day itself after I had dropped the news and he had called to ask if he had done anything wrong I knew by then that I had handled it wrongly. I had hurt him without reason and he would never give me the chance to do it again.
So, it was a shock to receive a call from him. I would have sat down to fathom it out but I was so happy he had called back. I don’t know why I thought all that had being brushed under the carpet and moved on from. Probably because that’s how I handle my personal affairs I think.
You see, apart from my awesome other characteristics (yeah, I am that awesome!) I am also the Queen of Avoidance in Nigeria. I will pretend that all is well no matter what. The most you will get when you annoy me is a blank but angry look then a walk away from you or silence then jumping over said problem like it never occurred. Till a day you totally piss me off. On that sad day, you will realize many, many things even I did not realize I had kept in mind. Talking about a problem head on? That is something I have just recently began to work on.
That, my friends, began the part two of this horror movie. I wanting to pretend that whole episode never happened and him wanting to at least get a moral reason on it so he could carry the experience to another relationship for the better this time. Between then and now, there have been so many glitches, I just want to pretend we never even happened you know? Like we have never known each other at all. Like if we ever see each other again it will be our first time. Too many mistakes have being made and I don’t think they can be corrected.
Yours in Vodka and arrows,
the drunk archer
(diary excerpt; dated December 27, 2011, 11:53 pm)