One major misconception in life is that all life stories have a beginning. Some sad tale of child abuse or something. But it’s not always so.
I am scared of people. I don’t mean I run away and hide in corners when I see a human approaching. I interact with people properly. I have close friends, I have a best-friend.
‘So what is she going on about?’ you might ask, and I might tell you. Unconsciously, I have chosen for myself friends who I will never get to be in their company so much, who have other friends to distract them from ever focusing singly on me, I have friends who are too far away for anything more than phone conversations and texts and chats. It’s always been that way, personal interactions are a trial for me. Meeting new people is scary. I am scared they’ll judge me and find me wanting and toss me away like a used tissue.
But most of all, I am scared of him.we have been dating for about a year and I have fallen for him. He has asked me out twice, I have said no. I have done everything to send him of, not consciously at all. I just notice this pattern when he’s around and is talking emotions.
He hasn’t run off. Yet. I am scared that he’s too patient, that he’s actually staying. I don’t know what is keeping him here. I don’t know what he’s waiting for. I love him, but I want him to leave. All at the same time. I want him to leave NOW! It’ll hurt but somehow that feels better than dealing with him leaving in the long run.
But between it, I am getting better. I am starting to trust him. I am starting to tell him I miss him. I don’t go sarcastic on him anymore. I don’t snap when he says ‘I love you.’
He came to see me, and at a point he said ‘I miss you.’ I knew he did and I had missed him too but it just wouldn’t come out of my mouth. Why? I wanted to ask him… what are you missing? I find it very unfathomable how someone I never knew at a time has such a major impact in my life now. I understand how friendship grows and all, but ours never actually grew that way.
He kissed me on New years’ day and held me tight to his chest. i think he felt we would never actually be ever standing that close to each other again. I could feel his heart beating and I realized he was human too. Not like he was anything other than, but the way guys are illustrated, you’d think they never really got emotionally involved. I could feel he wasn’t sure what was going on too but somehow this like thing kept him there. It occurred to me I owed it to him to deal with my issues. If not for myself, then for him. He knew I liked him but there was the after questions; like why wouldn’t I be his girl-friend? Why would saying “i-love-you” be a punishment? Why would I want to remain in the friend-zone when he didn’t want me there? Why didn’t I kiss him back?
It’s stupid to explain, but its easier I think to deal with a friend that fucks up than to deal with someone who is much more than that. I’ll just get to keep the hurt, sorrow and despair to myself and believe that no one else knows about it which is very alright for me.
Yours in Vodka and arrows,
the drunk archer
(diary excerpt; dated 7th January, 2012)