My mind is everywhere and I can’t concentrate. Everything seems to be spiraling out and it’s all because of him.
Yes, He’s back in the picture and I am more confused than ever. I think a hug will make it better. Not just any hug will do though… he’s are the best. I think I need to just see him and do more than the little waves or the cutesy ‘hi.’ I miss him terribly!!! And it’s not getting better. As each day goes by, my heart gets tighter and tighter like it wants to burst or something and one of these days soon I’ll cry. That will let out the steam
I can’t believe I’m back to this…
We saw a couple of weeks ago… about two weeks ago I think. In the evening. And he was really REALLY mad at me. He raised his voice and was banging stuff. I was shocked. I actually had just thought he’d have a pride issue for a little bit and it’d have worn off since. I had just thought it’d be a one-sided drama. But it wasn’t. Omelette was just a step from a full-blown attack.
OMELETTE SHOUTED AT ME!
And I started to get confused at who exactly was at fault. I mean I hadn’t thought he was gonna be apologizing but being at fault for anything never even crossed my mind.
He was mad at me for nagging him (I did not nag. I DON’T NAG)
He was mad at me for not being there for him.
He was mad at me for walking past me.
He was mad at me for having to be defensive about questions about me.
He was mad at me ‘cos the questions came up at all.
I think he was majorly disappointed… I started getting disappointed too and then I got really defensive too, because he expected me to care when he never seemed to care for me even the slightest bit.
I’m surprised I didn’t cry. I just remember that the anger wore off after a while and I got very confused and very VERY unhappy at every thing. It just seemed like opening old wounds and pouring spirit in it just to feel what it was like… and I just wanted to go and cry somewhere.
And just as I was ready to leave, he said he wanted to go to the shopping mall. Somewhere in my confused mind, it occurred to me that he wouldn’t have needed to tell me… so I asked him if he wanted me to come along and he nodded. So, I went with him to the shopping mall and I guess something happened or changed during that time because he was less angry when we left and I got to talk without being defensive. About the real thing that bothered me… the fact that I had just wanted to forget him and my being second fiddle to some chic I heard he had been chasing.
He found it funny… like he started laughing and making fun of me, that in my mind he had fallen in love with Maggie abi? Then, held my hand and asked me if I REALLY believed it. I think he answered for himself. I told him then, that I just wanted to forget I had ever met him… That was my most honest statement that night.
He hugged me and everything just kinda fizzled away… like fairy dust. Then he gave me a peck and my world just kinda balanced out.
Yours in Vodka and arrows,
the drunk archer
(diary excerpt; dated 13th May, 2012)