where am i going with this?

God blessed me with long-sightedness and allowed for some experiences. He made me wise. It’s why i write sometimes and come up with weird conclusions for some things.
When I say experiences, don’t think too far or too deep. I’m naturally a quiet person. Quiet people think a lot. A pin drops and we come up with hundreds of reasons surrounding it. I’m rarely ever wrong. Which in itself is wrong because I am not always right.
Where am I going with this?
One of my brothers called something of a meeting. He is my least favorite. In fact, having favorite in that statement is wrong In itself. You see, I grow relationships with people. It blossoms, stays stagnant or it dies. It just doesn’t happen. No Jack and the
beans’ stalk drama for me. It grows into what it becomes. And if a big enough problem comes, like an axe to a tree, it falls. That’s the way it is. Where am I going with this?
In this “meeting” we were supposed to talk about ourselves since we are largely strangers with a shared surname; Talk of what we do, reveal our closest friends… things you learn naturally from people you know. We don’t know each other. That’s the fact, but now, he wants a knowledge that comes from a close relationship. It’s weird. I’m not a family over friend person. I just believe relationships happen whether from same blood or not. My closest buds are my cousins and non-relations too. I believe in family and closeness. Look at the Kardashians for instance. I also believe in friends that are closer than family.
I was never close to this brother. Ever. As a kid, i remember one particular time he had my twin and i kneel while he watched cartoons. Throughout my younger years, he spent telling me how books cannot rescue me. How I’d be useless when I grow up.
No friends or anything but the best results. In my teen years, he spent criticizing my every actions, meals that didn’t taste well, how mum and I didn’t gets along, how I dressed like crap. My twin and I were always excited to see him go off to school. Always.
Nowadays, he’d share some funny thing that happened at work. I’d smile. Politely. In truth, I’d rather he saved his stories for someone who cared (hint: not me). He has anger issues. He slapped me some months back… Because i didn’t help him cook his food. looool. I don’t think I will ever forgive him.
…. and now he wants to know my personal thoughts. There must be a punchline to this joke. If my relationships are trees there’s a tarred road where his is meant to be. I don’t know him, barely care about him. We just share the same surname in my mind. I should pray for a renewing of my mind right? Forgive seven times seventy times… but I don’t even really want to. I don’t desire a relationship with him. I barely talk with my oldest brother and I like him a lot. My twin? He’s the one I’m closest too. Where am I going with this?
I’m scared… of myself. My personality confuses me. It’s a transparency that can’t tolerate pretense or deceit… my twin is this easy-go-lucky dude. Can smile and talk with people he’s irritated with. I can’t. And I mean can’t. I can’t pretend to be cool with you if I’m not. If you get me angry, don’t expect me to smile for the camera. If you criticise me don’t suddenly pray in between and expect an “amen”. Don’t decide on a rub my back I rub your back so “people” will think all is well.
My mother says I need to change it. That people shouldn’t read me so easily. I donno.
I DO know something though… family should have your back and be supportive. It should be where and with whom you feel free to be yourself. I don’t have that with the family I am part of, but, I know better … and I hope to create it with the family I create… Where home and family and friendship are linked hand in hand.
This is one long ass post…


type now or forever hold your fingers :)

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