“THE EXCUSE” Read with the voice of Sherlock Holmes

Standard

If you have a vagina and you’re over 21; chances are you’ve outgrown the feelings of pity you had assumed the males feel when they decide to take a spoon of courage and approach you. You have figured out that nobody wrapped explosives around them and forced them to talk to you.

you have passed the stage of making excuses and apologising for not wanting to share your number with them…. and I am here to tell you the best next stage. You are welcome, You may call me saviour.

For example, after fellowship yesterday, as i got out, a young man came to ask for my number with the “i ran into you in a bus someday” line. I gave him “THE EXCUSE” and he left feeling foolish, not because of “THE EXCUSE” but because, i had driven to the fellowship that day thereby debunking his “we met on a bus” theory. This is not to say i drive all the time, but i mustly favour, bikes, tricycles or leggidies benzs to travail… Either way, he was a liar.

Anyway, “THE EXCUSE” goes as thus:

guy: i saw you *insert a random place that people run into each other here”

Me: “its not you. Its not me either. I am awesome, as i am sure you have seen in our short acquintance on this bus. But here i must insert that i do not give my numbers to strangers.”

“yes, i am quite sure you hold the belief that you need to be friends with me for some strange reason. But i assure you, such a friendship makes no difference in my life because, as i am sure i have mentioned; you are a stranger.”

“indeed, young man, you are correct. Most of my friends were at some point strangers. Bu”t as i remember, none of them came to me bearing the news of how having my number would make the slightest dent in their normal course of living. In fact, i can with all honesty proclaim that at the first instance of our meeting we didn’t care the slightest bit about anything in regards to each other.”

if the guy is still there after “THE EXCUSE”. He is crazy. Run.

Note: there are some special form of guys who would actually perform an act of chivalry (helping you carry your keg to the car) Or been friendly (asking to use your biro at an event, sitting beside you and making pretence chitchat and jokes, luring you into a false sense of security) before springing the “your number please” line. Its always harder to say “THE EXCUSE” after laughing at someone’s joke. To them i say touché. 

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14 thoughts on ““THE EXCUSE” Read with the voice of Sherlock Holmes

  1. damilolaaderohunmu

    Lmao….The part that annoys me is the “there is nothing wrong with being friends”
    He must be really crazy to stay after “the excuse”.

type now or forever hold your fingers :)

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