The dummies guide to fuel scarcity… Just in case there’s a next time

fuel is one of the fourth primary necessities of life. you think you don’t need it, then you realise you don’t have a donkey, a horse or a carriage and your car doesn’t run on grass. you think you don’t need it, then the electric company that has never quite gottenthe hang of supplying electricity after some forty plus years decides to go on strike and your generator doesnt run on tears. you thibk you don’t need it but then you are a driver and if you dont want to go to bed hungry, you need to fuel your vehicle. you think you don’t need it and the battery of your phone runs down and you realise you don’t have a life. and you think none of this affects you but then traffic fares increase and traffic gets tighter.
how do you survive this devastation? through the wisdom of the drunk archer, that’s how… the wisdom of what you need to buy fuel.
1. a keg: i mean what are you going to buy the fuel into? a nylon?
2. a low-level hausa man AKA aboki: abokis are usually packaged in form of gate man. they specialise in existing. early in the morning, give aboki the keg (1) and send him off to buy fuel. abokis are resourceful and patient and will not come home emptyhanded.
3. an understanding boss: since you have no aboki, you are your own aboki. so you need to tell a convincing lie about ill health so you can take the day off and find fuel. in lack of this a lunch break can be used
4. an alarm: to wake you up really early to get to the petrol station.
5. a car: yes, your car, to be exact. because petrol stations which jointly have the shared IQ of 0.5, have decided that it is mercy to sell in kegs. even though more people habe kegs than have cars.. so put your keg in the car and and join the car queue.
6. queue: join the queue,not just any queue,  find out what they are selling on the queue . i have seen people run off to diesel or kerosene queues, feeling sharp and smart. but a real queue, this gives you a way to release pent up aggression at people that try to jump the real queueand toss insults at them. example of insults is refering to their blindness over not seeing a queue as long as a hundred yards and referring to them as been no better than corrupt officials is equally painful to them
7.  ear muffs: sirens will tear through the air and police men with guns will come down. they are not there to help ar restore order, they are there to escort your fellow man to jump the queue and buy fuel. because aside police protecting and serving, and aimlessly following rich people around, they can also be bought to run the same errands as an aboki.
8. 200 naira: is the standing price, for thieves, sorry fuel attendats to overlook your paltry keg and give you fuel in it.
9. eyes behind your head: even though there is a queue, some cars will try and cut in to the front by sneaking through the exit point. as you cab guess, if they haveno respect for their fellow sweltering man, they certainly have no time for you with your mere kegand will run over you in a heartbeat to get at the pump.


4 thoughts on “The dummies guide to fuel scarcity… Just in case there’s a next time”

  1. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
    This was too funny. You almost made me forget this fuel thing ain’t joking sturves. I could almost feel the aggravation behind the post. But I lost the feeling when laughingπŸ˜‚

type now or forever hold your fingers :)

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