The dummies guide to fuel scarcity… Just in case there’s a next time (because there will be, this is Nigeria after all)

Fuel is one of the five primary necessities of life.

You think you don’t need it, then your neighborhood erupts in consequent shouts of despair as the electricity goes out. You trudge to your generator, ready to engage in a tug of war for light, but no fuel.

You think you don’t need it but, the battery of your phone runs down and you realize you don’t have a life outside the people you love to insult that live in your social media apps. And if none of these affects you, you arrive at the bus-stop and your ears tingle hearing the new traffic fares.

How do you survive this devastation? Through the wisdom of the drunk archer, that’s how. The wisdom of how to buy fuel in scarcity season. What do you need?
1.  A keg: I mean, what are you going to buy the fuel into? A nylon?

2.  A low-level Hausa man, also known as an Aboki: Abokis take many forms but their must common packaging is in form of a gate man. They specialize in existing and gisting. Early in the morning, give Aboki said keg and send him off to buy fuel. Abokis are very resourceful and patient; he will not come home empty-handed.

Even if what he finds is the fuel that will knock your engine, your Aboki will not return empty-handed.

3.  A performance: If you have no Aboki, congratulations! You now have a new role to play as your own Aboki. But first, you face the task of conveying a convincing lie on the state of your health to your boss so, you can get the day off.

There are only two things you need to do to convey this message, the message: lower your voice to that of a mosquito and perforate your call-in with sprinkles of cough. Everyone knows that a cough is the only sickness you can have during the work week, so this is mandatory. But if your acting abilities are poor or you had ‘coughed’ the week before, you may use your lunch break.

4.  A car: Yes, your car, to be exact. Studies show that every two petrol stations managers share a joint IQ of 1.5. This explains their decision that it is more important to sell into cars than into kegs (even though there will always be more people holding kegs than have cars). However, Aboki keg-holders are not always happy to wait and watch car after car get filled up and pass them by. Once, there are enough of them, they will take over. So, be ready to ask your car to wait patiently on its queue and migrate to the human queue at a moments notice.

5.  Human queue: Join the queue. Not just any random queue, find out what they are selling on said queue . I have seen people run off to diesel or kerosene queues, feeling sharp and smart.

Often times, the queue might be chockful of Abokis who cannot understand what you ask. But, the queue itself is often easy to spot. Just look for where a bunch of people are seething with suppressed anger, and standing bumper to bumper with not a hair able to squeeze between. Their eyes, furtively darting around, are searching for people trying to cut in but also begging someone to try. Such a person will be the perfect guinea pig to release their pent-up aggression either using fists or juicy insults. Example of the best insults are the ones that refer to their parentage. A single “your mama” and you will enjoy a few minutes scuffle as blows try to connect.

7.  Ear phones: Numerous sirens will tear through the air as police men holding guns will hop out of their vehicles with an alacrity that you will never see at an actual crime scene. They are not there to help restore order. They are there to escort your fellow man to jump the queue and buy fuel. Because, asides police protecting, serving and aimlessly following rich people around, they can also be bought to run the same errands. You know, like an Aboki.

8. 200 naira: is the standing price, for thieves, scratch that fuel attendants to overlook your paltry keg and deign to give you fuel in it.

9. Eyes behind your head: Even though there is a clear queue, some cars will try and cut in to the front by sneaking through the exit point. As you can imagine, if they have no respect for their fellow sweltering man, they certainly have no time for you with your mere keg and will run over you in a heartbeat to get at the pump.

If you have followed these instructions to a T, Congratulations you have fuel! Head on home, turn on your generator, charge your phone, watch television. Knowing fully well that by the coming day, you’re back at the petrol station, keg in hand, doing it all over again.