My dad and i don’t get along. In fact, i don’t get along with any of my parents. We don’t have a relationship. I don’t know exactly how it happened, but slowly, through every year of growth it happened.
So that image of you and mum, gisting in your room. Nope, not in my side of the world.
Or girls that say they want to marry someone like their dad.. No. Never. Not goanna happen.
Of late, my parents have realised this absence of intimacy, both with them, with my brothers and even amongst we the siblings. They have chosen to address it by accusing us of not telling them about things we are doing and all that.
Like planting an orange seed and getting angry at the tree for producing apples.
They want to build that bridge but in all the wrong ways. Truth. I have no interest in that. The time i wanted it is long loooooong gone.
When we were younger, we would talk during dinner, my mum would say we were disturbing my dad. Now they want it but we don’t even eat at the table anymore.
when we were younger, we would go into my mum’s room to try to chat and all, my mum would say we’re monitoring her movements to sneak out or trying to pick her jewellery. Now, she complains we don’t come to her room to see her.
when we were younger, my dad didn’t like us going out or having friends over. I remember once when i was seventeen, i had a friend over, he told me she was lower class and all that. Now, they complain they don’t know our friends and why don’t we have them over.
When we were younger, i didn’t really have much clothes. My weight fluctuated too much and it was pretty much a waste of money to buy anything. So my mum decided to stop shopping for me on a large scale till i turned 16 and left secondary school. A decision i had no problem with. But then even the few clothes i had to mix and match she would tell me how bad they looked, didnt i wear that last week and compare me with one of my cousins who, not only had tonnes of clothes but had an older sister to swipefrom and show the ropes. So i learned to not cry or get upset, but to chin up and not hear a word she said when making the hurtful remarks. Now, she expects me to show her want i want to wear and have a girls day giggling over choosing what i’d wear.
When we were younger, i vividly remember been in the kitchen with my mum whilst my brothers watched TV with my dad. I and my twin were the last so my mum was pretty much in the kitchen on her own till i was able to join her. The only time my brothers did any form of cooking related stuff was when my mum was upset and my dad wasn’t home… As some sort of punishment. Now, my brothers are pretty inept in the kitchen which upsets my mum no end. She wants them to stay in the kitchen with her.. Or cook up splendid meals on their own. Not gonna happen.
When we were younger, i opened up once in a blue moon on how i hated my secondary school and how badly we were treated.. Crawling on stones, caned over 16 times, carrying bricks kind of bad.. They said i was been ungrateful.. That the sisters of St. Louis are living a life of poverty and sacrifice for me and i need to appreciate that. Needless to say i have nothing to tell them now about anything that goes on with me. They feel they can talk me into opening up, Tell me how terrible it is of me, and somehow browbeat me into talking about my life through their form of bullying. Cute. Doesn’t work either. My terrible school hardened me against all that.
In a way, it’s not their fault; in a way it is. In Nigeria, the average couple marries TO have kids. They don’t marry AND have kids. You would think they would be interested in the psychic of a child and how children’s mind works, Since that is the purpose for their marriage. But they aren’t, they just want kids because its time to have kids and everyone is doing it. Then, they realise kids are little human beings, who need more than food, shelter and cute clothes. They need intimacy and other intangible things. But its too much of an effort and they just live and let live, let the hands fall where they might. They are just children, how bad can things get
The hands fall… By teenage hood, the red light is blinking. And by 18, child is an adult with it’s own thoughts, dreams, ideas and relationships. Finished product… But its not what the parents expected, they are angry with the end result. They want the child that never talked to them about anything to tell them their inner thoughts.
Relationships are work. ALL relationships, Even friendships. Sometimes the easiest way isn’t the best in the long run. Sometimes you need to sit and think and not just let be. Nothing stays stagnant. If you leave a stone somewhere, it doesn’t just stay there, it gathers dust and mould or gets weathered to stand. If you value something, you will need to work at it. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like work… Hanging with your friends certainly doesn’t feel like work. Sometimes it feels like work.. Ever tried listening to a 3-year old on a bad day? Its like gibberish and mad rantings.
I think what we need is an end picture, then view it back. Like a bowl of salad. You look at it and see carrots in there, cabbage, is that green beans or green pepper, lettuce, broccoli.. So that’s what you need to get THAT salad
Same way, you see a mum and daughter going out together, gisting and laughing or an old couple holding hands… How did they get there.. They prolly laugh together, tell each other important stuff that happens, go out together, talk about things that hurt them, talk about hopes and dreams, argue, apologise and fix things… That’s how.
So do that.
Focus on what you are working towards. That’s the only way to have a honest relationship with anyone, friends or family.
Don’t plant orange seeds and expect apples.