And the long of it

Sometimes, I have deep moments of thought when I blog, sometime I don’t. Sometimes, I have something I have learned in life that i want to share and sometime i dont. That’s why i love blogging, it’s not just “omg, guess what ha-ha funny thing happenned to me today” There are a whole wide range of emotions and diversions. Today’s, isn’t a ha-ha post.

Yesterday, i went to visit a friend i hadn’t seen in a long-long while. It was also my first time going to his house. He had been sick for a couple of months and it didn’t seem fair, from my end, that a close friend had been sick since May and i hadn’t had time to visit once. So i girded my loins and made the journey. It was fun. I love long distance places… So many shops to see, mini glimpses of the world, untold stories that you can complete in your head. Like snapshots of reality. It was also great seeing him.

We talked about lots of things, but mostly, my previous relationship. I’m still in that vulnerable stage where some days you barely remember it and some days your chest hurts so much its hard to fight back tears. So, i don’t like talking about it much or been reminded of it. Its like poking an open wound. But, i did anyhow. My friend felt if i had taken his advice and talked it out, things would have worked out, That i didn’t try enough; I should have made sure we sat and talked and aired things out. But both times, we just ended up eating each others faces out. It’s like that’s the only thing we have no problem expressing, the “i am attracted to you”. But anybody can be attracted to anybody, what i wanted was a conversation but, I’m not very good at serious conversations. I get upset and flumoxed and tired and stressed (That’s a lot of ‘ands’) . But most of all i get very, very confused. 

There were many things wrong in that relationship. There were many things right too. But it was the wrongs that weighed out in the end.

1. We didn’t spend enough quality time with each other.

2. We didn’t know how to fight and clear it up.

3. We didn’t trust each other.

4. We didn’t know how to express our feelings to each other.

5. We didn’t understand each other.

So when my friend is demanding for his number that he will call him and “clear this rubbish both of you got yourselves into” i can’t help but feel how pointless it is. I’m pretty sure those 5 points still exist in me. And it’ll be pure selfishness to make that move on something that will almost certainly repeat itself. Plus, old relationships are really hard to put together again. You dont know if the person just wants to punish you for breaking up. You dont know if the person has developed new love affairs and is just doing it out of pity with you

You. Just. Don’t. Know.

I read this blogpost from a married woman, Stating the Obvious – She and her husband were considering seperation but, they resolved it. However, i got a little glimpse of the process in these words below.

It takes two souls to reunite. Two souls to forgive, to forget, to compromise, to commit and to learn.

It paints my point of view about digging up previous relationships. It’s a lot harder than everyone else thinks.

I think he is lucky, my ex that is. I do business with his family, his friends keep in touch and ti run into one from time to time. He doesnt have to worry what these people think about him and what he posts on twitter, he doesn’t have to worry if he is over sharing information with them, or if since they check up on him, he should check up or not. He doesnt need to wonder if he is meant to be telling me “oh, i ran into your friend yesterday”. He doesnt need to worry about whether he will run into me when he makes deliveries and if a polite handshake while his family watches is fine… He has a completely clean break. I don’t. 

Not even close.


4 thoughts on “And the long of it”

  1. I can totally relate with the chest pain! (The worst!). It’s been 4 years and I still feel it whenever I remember.
    Two things tho;
    1. I bliv trust is the most important thing in a relationship. If you can’t trust each other, there’s absolutely no point.
    2. Take time out to understand yourself, that way you’re able to communicate better with your partner because you know what is going on in your head and exactly how you feel and you can explain to them.
    Cheers to the chest pain tho. *hugs*

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