I woke up to 30 views on my blog from 1 visitor today.
Someone had had a filled day reading up 30 posts. I get excited by things like this. I want to get on the blog and read the posts that they read. It’s also an awesome way to have a mini-history lesson on the last couple of years and what i wrote about what.
Unfortunately, a couple of the clicks had been on posts my romantic life… My romantic life, though it has touched about 3 other guys and a couple of random dates, has actually kind of always returned to one person. Omelette/ someone.
And as I read on these old posts and had my past hurts and thoughts hauled right in my face. I started to panick. I dont mind been single… to be honrst, i love been single, you save money on calls, you save your peace of mind on worry. Don’t get me wrong, I also dont mind been in relationships, you learn a lot about yourself and on the chance that no one is severely hurt by a breakup, you could remain friends. But what me and this guy tend to have is just in the middle; it fits into the “it’s complicated” sphere of things.
I don’t like complicated.
I like smooth sailing and peace. I don’t like second guessing, It’s a little exhausting. Sometimes, you want to put in your all, other times you’re like mehhh, who knows what he’s really after, hol’ up.
It’s things like this that convince me that I’m not cut out for these type of relationships… Maybe just relationships that are born out of really good friendship, maybe. But i tried that already and it didn’t pan out.
This type, the break-up/ make-up/ break-up/ make-up/ break-up/ whatever the fuck were doing now doesn’t seem pure anymore. The pure time was probably 5 years ago and even then i didn’t know we were dating … I just thought we talked all the time because we liked talking to each other. We never really got around to the asking out. And guys at that age used that as an excuse a lot, “but i never asked you out..” So, I went on with it.
I’m not a communication expert; I’m not at all eloquent when it comes that. I think that’s why I’m exceedingly emotional. Because a conversation at a high level of emotion will break me. I like words, I like letters, I like notes, i like texts. They distance you a bit. It’s not like a word said into your ear that reverberates into your mind and needs a response immediately. Words marinate.
Truth, my relationship with him stresses me. The length we’ve been at this stresses me. The fact that I see new facets of him all the time stresses me… It’s like do I even know this person? That’s not a question that should come up after five years right? He says that sometimes: “you should know _____ about me.” And I wonder, should I? Really? Have I being in this circumstance so much that i ought to know this? Am i so stuck with the side of his personality I first got to know I can’t unstick and know this new person. Sometimes i want to retort, “how will i know? Did you tell me?” But i don’t like agitation. Its so unpredictable, you don’t know what words can come out in the heat of the moment.
Sometimes I wish we just met. New relationships are so much fun, a bit shallow but fun.Old relationships have that depth that comes with knowing someone for a while .. But old break up- make-ups? That’s a whole entire maze of question marks… Sometimes i want to shake him really hard and tell him:
“Are you okay with this? I know you might have feelings for me, but if we push the feelings aside, do WE work? I have feelings for you, yes. Im not using this as an excuse to force your hand. You’re really great and and now you have the money too.. Finding a girl cant br any easier. Don’t stay stuck on me just because of feelings oh. Or is it just sex? Because, yes I love to fool around with you but, I might never ever cross that line and have sex, so you can just go on now. Skat!” But the conversation that might arise from saying that freaks me to death.
I think I should just forget all this, get a dog and settle down. Dogs aren’t complicated: a wag of a tail, a happy bark and I know we’re good. No words needed.