Deathbed

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My phone is dying.

As far as excuses for not blogging goes, it seems the stupidest. It’s like the “my dog ate my homework” of not doing assignments. Which I never ever used because we had a dog growing up called… You guessed it, snoopy. Winnie snoopy actually and she never ate paper. She loved chocolate drinks though. Died at a young age. Pronably because dogs aren’t meant to take sugar. Don’t bother comforting myself, I don’t blame myself. She should have refused.

Anyway back to dying phone. The screen is cracked so bad it looks like Spiderman’s web is hanging out on it. Not only that, the back and​ home buttons have a mind of their own. So I’m writing a blogpost and then the back button gets an itch and starts singing “back it up girl”… and it won’t stop. It’s like pressing the button as fast as you can but 10 times faster.

Not only that, it doesn’t charge normally. You need a protractor and a compass to get the right angle that the charging point must tilt into the phone to have it charge.

Not only that, it’s slow. Like if a tortoise and a snail were on a lame donkey and made an app that runs… crawls… shuffles at their speed that’ll be this phone.. the slow coach note 2.

Not only that, my earphone broke in the earphone port. I didn’t even know that could happen. But happen it did which means that

Not only that, I cannot receive calls without speakers and I cannot listen to any music on my phone. None. Just my ringtone. Which I have loved and used for 3-4 years but still… No music? What a damn dommage.

Not only that, the phone calls randomly. So I’m apologising 2-3 times a day to people I haven’t talked to in a year.

Not. Only. That. It turns on phone functions randomly. So people will walk up to me and tell me my torch is on. Or I’ll turn on the screen and y hotspot, Bluetooth and wifi are on. All on this phone that doesn’t even want to charge right.

And as pinnacle of the not only that’s, the screen cannot sleep on it’s own. You know how you can drop your phone and trust that in thirty seconds the screen is black? Not this phone. I have woken up to 2% battery on a hot enough to poach egg phone with cracked screen on, WiFi active, Bluetooth available, with missed calls from an ex. How did I explain that the phone randomly called him? I didn’t; couldn’t. He believes is signs and signals which I, truthfully, also believe in but there is no sign and signal that will take me back to this young man. Not even if he has a red arrow on his head.

Crappy matchmaking phone. Just a matter of time till I dump it for a younger, faster, better-looking thing… But don’t be mad phoney, it’s not you, it’s me. 

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4 thoughts on “Deathbed

  1. This was brilliant, fast-talking, dripping in delicious wit. I laughed so hard.

    @”Like if a tortoise and a snail were on a lame donkey” How do you think these things up? XD XD XD

    Naughty Phone.

type now or forever hold your fingers :)

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