Third wheels, sharks and bad advice

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It’s cold.
It’s a cold morning.
My blanket is hugging my bed tight and somehow i am stuck in the middle. Don’t you just hate being the third wheel.
Uhhh.
Couple’s disgust me. They disgust me because of their cheerful excited, holdy hands shit. But, primarily, they disgust me because i am single.
Yes, yes. Shit happened. It was some months ago, (April 6 to be exact), sometime in the morning, between 8-9am…. (Just tryna be exact). Lots of my 11:11 wishes have gone to rewinding time… You would think for someone born on the 11th day of the 11th month, i would have a better chance at having my wishes come through.. But no, father time is too busy making time go faster for people rushing to meet deadlines to bother with me.
Asshole.
The end.

Oh..
Still here?
You want to know what happened?
Well, aren’t you a little gist magnet.
I don’t really want to go into it… The pain is too great, the memory is too fresh but mostly because i was kind of at fault… OKAY! Majorly at fault!
Gosh, it’s like an episode of Judge Judy with you people.
Anyway, You know that advice? The Don’t-make-decisions-while-you’re-Angry advice. They were right.
In this instance. But if, for example, someone steals your bag, it is a good idea to run after the person with anger in your wings and the image of you catching the thief and beating him black and blue as your vision. However, if you are out swimming and a shark steals your leg, it is a bad idea to go back to get said leg back… He will more than likely steal more of you.
Other advice that are noteworthy; don’t stay out late at guys night parties and expect a happy bf. Don’t breakup if he doesn’t pick your calls. And definitely don’t go out with him later, get high and make out with him… Have some standard.
… That’s what happened. 😐

So i’ve been hiding someone

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heyyy guys!!! today is a really special day to someone that’s very special to me… making it a special day to me too. It’s his birthday and i’d like to introduce him to you. he’s been on the blog as omelette before but, I’ll rename him someone… but we’re ahead of ourselves, let’s start at the beginning

 

a little over five years ago, between the last days of November and the first of December of the year 2010, in a little place that looks like a slice of Heaven (but isn’t), in the middle of a place called Canaanland in Ota, Ogun state, a School was closing down for Christmas and not one of its students can wait to be on the opposite side of its gate.

This random evening, two girls are out on the streets, one is on the hunt to find her best friend turned boyfriend turned ex-boyfriend turned best friend, Dotun.

Dotun is not in his room.

“Check the shopping mall,” his roommate says and away they go. It is imperative she sees Dotun. He told her she was a liar and that it was impossible when she had told him she had bought a dress at the trade fair and now, Now she must gloat and make him eat humble pie with a sprinkle of apologies.

Underneath a canopy of trees en-route the aforementioned mall, they run into Essien and someone he is out with. Essien is friends with the other girl and they stop to chat, leaving the be-dressed girl to talk with the someone that was out with Essien.

Someone told her his name was Timi. A name she, as she was bad with names, promptly forgot. But they would run into each other the next day AND the day after that and the name would have no choice but to stick in her head.

Someone made her laugh that night and said her dress was pretty. She found it mind-boggling that anyone would wear a starched white corporate shirt on a stroll.

A moment later, both parties parted, the girls in their search for the elusive Dotun and, someone and Essien disappeared into the night.

and that was how I (the be-dressed girl) met my special someone.

Three years later, and with uncountable breakups and make ups with each other under our belts, the timetable said it was my turn to be done. And done I indeed was.

I wanted to flex with a spic and span conscience and I was not happy with us.

I did a fancy breakup speech to wrap it all in a pretty package: a long eloquent speech detailing our history, advantages, disadvantages and why the current atmospheric conditions suggested we were ruining ourselves for other people by staying together… a speech worthy of an inaugural lecture; detailed and thought provoking. Then I asked for any questions from my audience, he asked what I thought of been married to him.

Some weeks later, we had a huge misunderstanding and I demanded he delete my number. I deleted his, blocked him on whatsapp, Facebook and twitter like the bricklayer I must have been in a past life. It was the perfect break I needed to, in the words of Ceelo Green, forget youuuuu.

A year later and we’d have talked things over and would be tiptoeing around dating again. My brain asked me if I was crazy, reminding me of all our past breakups and past hurts. But my heart had already taken the plunge, leaving my brain muttering on how no good would come of this. My common sense remained vigilant and gave us the 2 months expiry date that had come to define how long we could tolerate ourselves.

2 months became 3 months, 3 became 4, 4 became 5 and I got worried… No fight? No argument? I mean, I’m awesome but I’m not THAT awesome. What if he was just acting like he was okay with us because as he had said “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t”? Or maybe things were working out because he was so far away? Ayo, my female other half, told me to calm da fuck down, and just give my 100% and if things fell apart? Well, I’d have an i-tried-my-best-but-things-didn’t-work-out pity story, not an i-was-scared-it-was-going-so-well-so-I-ended-it excuse that would get me locked up in an asylum.

We all need an Ayo in our lives. (buy your own Ayo on Jumia or Konga for only £299,999.99.)

5 became 6, 6 became 7, 7 became 8. 8 became 9, 9 became 10, 10 became 11. Somewhere between all those months becoming other months, he was back in Lagos, the distance factor disappeared and I started to realize that this was real and actually working… I mean asides the time when he complained that I didn’t demand to be a third wheel when he wanted to go out (a situation most guys would see as a blessing) and one HUGE argument, things were going really really good.

He’s patient with me and I know because, I can be a handful once it’s a full moon. he’s très considerate, and always supportive. Let’s not talk about the generosity bit… you guys… don’t make me bring up the a/c of my car that actually blows cold air. COLD AIR!!! he got that to happen just because he saw me sweating. And then, he appeared out of thin air on my birthday when he was meant to be in another state, approximately eleven hours away. He has no qualms about taking the first steps to make things right when things go wrong with us, which has taught me to try do the same and he relates with people, both friends and not-friends, really well; I’m the if you’re my friend you get all the love, if you’re not, you’re dead to me. And his work ethics are amazing.

These aren’t i-love-him-so-i-only-see-the-good-in-him observations. He isn’t  perfect, what he has is a gold medalist in jumping to conclusions, and if you want a late nightly tête-a-tête,he is not the man for you; the combination of 10 at night and his bed is kryptonite and will have him dead to the world in seconds. And if by ‘luck’ he picks the call, he will give you some incoherent gibber gabber that sounds like it came out of Harry Potter. Then, there’s the part where he decides to tell me about a particular thing, he forgets to tell me and then forgets he forgot to tell me and then asks me later if I remembered when he said this particular thing… all of which, like my love for cartoons, makes sense to nobody, But they are him and I wouldn’t change anything… except maybe the Harry Potter chants.

Our history hasn’t been as straight as I’d have wanted it to be. If I had my way, we’d had things working out since the first time we met or we’d never have met till this last one started. No drama, no girlfriend (his), no weird exes (his), no opinionated friend (mine)… just smooth sailing all through, holding hands on a domesticated donkey and riding into the sunset. But noooo, it was drama drama drama, like a Mexican soap opera.

Then again, I don’t know if he’d have been as special to me without all the tidbits… plus, it makes for a good story too!

He is the groundnut in my gari,  the cold water in my gari,  the bread dunked in my chocolate, the clutch of my car, the biscuit soaked in my milk, the last piece of dodo in my plate and current boyfriend extraordinaire. And he is my someone special ☺

 

 

How to love mondays… See a pineapple (not mine.. Yours)

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Monday.. *vomits*
Last week was nothing-doing-so-do-whatever-you-want week. And now, today begins with sewing classes. Work always looks worst once you’ve basked in the bosom of abject laziness. Breathe if you want me to skip this class.

One thing will make my monday a good day. One word… One fruit… Pineapple. I hope to God I don’t sound as mushy as I think I do right now. I’m pretty sure i do.
Dear God, protect me from my boyfriend and my tendency to obsess and think and smile about every little thing he does (like his laugh.. Cutest most annoying laugh in the world).

update 1:Ijebu guide to a good ass date” is still in the works, i’m picking the shopping coupon tomorrow. I’ve been thinking of a picnic-themed date; little activity, eat, gist, laugh. But..!!
BREAKING NEWS: the only place to do picnics in Lagos are beaches… We have NO parks. None. Zilch. Nada.
I’m not driving from the mainland to the island to eat on a beach then drive all the way back. No sireee. Not this archer. So, I’m still scoping and searching. Worst gets to worst we’ll have a home cinema of some movie at his place, i’ll bring the food and drinks and we’ll call it a day.
How can we not have a park? Dogs even have parks in the abroad…

update 2: Remember that bravado post about how i wasn’t kissing anyone till wedding day?
Out the window people.
Out.
The.
Window.
Pineapple said it’s selfish.. Pineapple said i should have mercy… So i have, because I really love him kissing me I’m really considerate like that. 😉

I think lovey-dovey looks good on me, it really brings out the colour of my eyes.

Another breakup and other things that crack

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So today’s gonna be…. I don’t know yet, give me time. I’ve not posted anything on this before because on friday, Pineapple suddenly said “Pineapple”. Just like that! I was gubsmacked. Who told him? How? I wasn’t sure how he had somehow found out my blog address or/ and my twitter account and known about his nickname so, i kept mute… Mute and coded, and censored my tweets. Can’t have him knowing that shit would probably be getting real.

But yesterday, after threatening to treat his fuck up if he didn’t tell me who told him the blog address and my twitter account Asking him if he knew the addresses… Turns out he didn’t…. Which is going to be a problem because he’ll ask why I don’t want him to know them.. Bleh… Bleh.. Bleh… Mehn.. I’ll cross that river when the dam breaks.

Anyways back to what is going down today…
I’m breaking up with Pineapple…

Yeah… I donno if i can do this anymore. Relationships are stressful guys! I should just stay single for a while. I’m sad… Thought i could do this… But I can’t. Hope he won’t feel too bad. I really like him… He’s annoying funny laugh, his prickle hair… but I can’t do this… I just can’t. 😦

Anyways, i usually give my exes eggs when i breakup with them… Something to remember me by. Saw this online, so Pineapple’s egg is in for a treat.

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Now replace that note with “APRIL FOOL BOO!!! :*”

Hehehe!!! Have a long day of foolery, people!!! Let’s take a minute from our days to pray that Pineapple doesn’t kill me today.

The ijebu guide to a good ass date (part 1)

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So, last week, a really good friend and I were talking and this really cool idea came up that I take the boo (mine) on a date… Her boo is receiving the silent treatment for neglecting his duties…
Anyway, I was busy contemplating what to do… Where… How many weeks it’ll take to save up for it… What to sell from my parent’s house to make this dream a reality…  When I ran into… BHAM!!

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That’s like getting two thousand worth of stuff at the mall for just two hundred naira … WHAAAAAATTTTT?!
I’ve already paid for it. As a smart sharp ijebu girl. Hehehe.

I have NO idea of what to buy for the date yet… Or where… But i have a two thousand naira coupon processing in the dealdey office and I thought, why not make it a challenge… #superbDateAtUnderTwoThousand??

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!! “what would I get with =N=2000 to spend on a date?

They do other crazy deals oh! Hair salons, Chinese meals, massages, pedicures, play station consoles, phones… I even saw a thorough house cleaning thingie. It’s a whole range people!… Click this link if you stay in Nigeria and you want in->

http://www.dealdey.com/?ref=M0RXY3B4UV

I’m a sucker for pinching pennies Kobos and N so, I’m sold in and signed up!!!

P.S. Notice how i slipped in a boo… Yes… That happened too. I call him Pineapple ‘cos his fruity. 🙂
and the blog name is back to thedrunkarcher.wordpress.com… frosandflats.wordpress.com didn’t work out… so we’re over 😦

retrace & learn

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I didn’t write a resolution last year.

I don’t even know how that happened. I actually do… I was going through an impulsive phase then… wasn’t blogging much either. NYSC had just started and I was basking in the independence of having money coming in monthly. Great! Great! Great!

But I did learn along the way and that’s more important to me than any resolve.

1. The joy of salvation is real and true and it keeps me going when everything goes down. I’m saved and have a VIP pass to Heaven when I die. And even while here, God loves me and He has good plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11). I was a bit null about this for a while, but on the 11th of december I had my head fixed and had this joy returned fully once more.. can I hear a “whoop!!”?

2. I met a lot of people. We hung out some and were fives and sixes… and time happened and they went away. My only regret is I didn’t make more of these, because they disappear so easy. I don’t mind. They were people to talk to… they were important to have at that time but i wasn’t really attached… but as for the important ones, the favourite ones you DO need. Making out time and (yes) money for them… that’s important.

3. You mightn’t be Ms. Extrovert or Ms. Life of the party but there’s nothing wrong with who you are. Enjoy your “you”.

4. Guys are what they are. And don’t be a deceived. They rarely ever plan to be “just friends”… not like they want relationships oh, but they like having girls around them…. any girl. Especially attractive ones. They aren’t clingy, don’t be decieved. You can be replaced.

7. “Best-friends” aren’t forever and its not worth writing much. It’s in the shit happens sector of life.

6. People change. it’s life. Sometimes, people can’t deal with the new you. It’s life. And sometimes, you can’t deal with the new of others. It’s life as well.

7. “Sorry” isn’t a master-fixer. Nobody likes someone that’s always sorry. Be dependable. Don’t be that person that you depend on to fuck up. Think things through. In hearing sorry… in saying sorry, don’t ever expect things to return to the exact same eay they were.

8. Speaking your mind is a lot more relieving than holding it all in.

9. It is not your pregorative to give your number to anybody that wants it. This is in the bible.

10. Sneakers are awesome.

kissing frogs

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I’m having kissing withdrawals people….it’s a pathetic syndrome endured by the single-folk when they’re lips hasn’t “seen” some “action” in a while. That while for me is June.

“Just get a bloody boyfriend” i hear some of you mutter… yes, well, I’m having this desire to not even kiss again till my wedding day…

*leaves space for you guys to gasp in horror and shock*

…Which is a very very verrrry far away day (in Jesus name. Amen)… so this ailment has no end. And to think there was at time I planned my first kiss to be at the altar in my white gown… a memo I forgot to get across to Omelette before he did the “honours”.

This is why I will never have sex… till marriage of course… duh.

After people ask and scream the “OH MY GOD! YOU’RE A VIRGIN! YOU’RE A LIAR! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” Or Omelette’s favourite question; “are you scared?” …And finally ask why… it’s an easy reply.

Nah, I’m not dropping the “I’m a Christian” line people… this has never had anything to do with my christian-walk.. this is purely selfish.

Sex, to me, is just overly intimate… it’s sharing myself. Ultimately. It’s me naked and all… that sumptuous sight isn’t for more than one person oh. LOOOL.

I have played with fire and spent nights at Omelette’s place… same room, same bed, cuddled together. But he’s decent and accepted my no. Every. Damn. time. I was lucky…not all girls are that lucky… it just starts with a touch really, by consent or not.

So,my naughty lips can pucker till they fall off… no more kisses…only asteriks :* 🙂