Natural hair ain’t shit

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My hair has been natural for the past three years. it has been three years coloured by long periods of hating the hair for tangling into itself, forming knots and just been a basic nuisance and short little periods of actually liking the afro look.
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Natural hair, like every other hair, looks pretty. That is all. It doesnt prove you love yoursef the way God made you, doesnt prove you love you for you, doesn’t prove you are celebrating your natural state… doesn’t prove anything. It. Is. Just. Hair.

     I went to the bank some months back and i was on said afro. I met this bank attendant who gushed on and on about how much he loved natural hair and celebrating natural beauty and how he loves girls that embrace their “natural state” and then went on with how girls that use make up are vain and lack confidence in their selves. and i was like..
Stop.
Hold it.
Hair is just hair, it is not a dictation in self confidence and the art of living. and that i did have make up on?
I had mainly foundation on, so it wasn’t obvious. This was after i burnt my face, and there were very few places i went to without makeup for a while . Makeup was my superman that period. The banker guy, though cute, needed some enlightenment from been so myopic and I schooled him that day. It’s annoying enough when girls say it, but guys who donno anything about it now add their thoughts like they know what’s up?
No.
Unacceptable.
Getting your face done up isn’t easy and should not be scoffed at. My first time at proper make up? took about 45 minutes, and was done by a professional make up artist. i kept asking her what she was using at each point of the way. all these words were floating around;  primer, foundation, eye shadow, liner, blush, powder concealer, highlighter, lip liner, lip stick. after a while i just gave up.. my brain was overloaded. I know what they mean now, but at that time, she could have been speaking another language for all i know. After a while, I got bored and started asking “are we done yet?” every two minutes. Like a child. When she was finally through, boy, did i look amazing!!!  I dont think I’ve ever taken so many selfies and none was deleted. There was no picture that wasn’t a hit. i couldn’t stop looking at myself!!!
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(This picture was taken like 4 hours after i was made up)

I felt beautiful and its a feeling we low self esteem girls need to feel. I felt confident and empowered… I know some of you are thinking, all from makeup? Bullshit!
But, think of how you feel when you’re wearing your favourite awesomest looking clothes, that’s making your body look spectacular, hitting all the curves just right, covering up all the no-no zones. You feel like “dayum sister (or brother) everybody’s eyes are gonna be on you… You are killing it… Somebody call 911 because this is murderrrrrr!” It’s no different from makeup. makeup is pretty much clothe for your face.
Let’s be honest, God made us naked. We did not slide out of our mothers’ wombs with soaps or sponges or body cream or underwear or dresses? I know i didn’t.
They ALL are artificial things. Some girls can wear crop tops and body cons and bikinis and look amazing… and some of us have little pudgy bellies and will not be caught dead on any of those and we all know how funny it is to see a fat pudgy person stuffed into a bodycon… its like flab nation.
Some girls can wear short shorts and flaunt their amazng legs and some of us have stout legs shaped like tubers of yam and will never wear such out. Wouldn’t it be exciting if they gloated about how they celebrate their natural state and you don’t?
Sit! take a chill pill. It’s not that serious. You like natural hair? go natural. You don’t like makeup? Don’t use it. Your choice. Same way it’s someone’s choice to use it. Respect that.

The last stand

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To start with, dear readers, i have no idea what I’m really meant to write. I started writing a post in my mind yesterday and titled it ‘The last stand’. I think I feel I have some sort of memory card memory.
Apparently not.

But hey, let’s talk about September. We’re on the brink of the last quarter of the year, my beauties and handsomes!
Raaaaaaggghhhh!!! 2015 is winking at us already
And i’m like, the Drunk Archer needs to take a look at her resolutions of the year and see how far she’s done.

1. workout 4 times a week… LOOL… No no… Must have been high when I thought of this. On the high side, lost 2kg from doing absolutely no exercise for the past 4 months.

2. Always have a christian book to read. *sigh*

3. List out your friends names somewhere. Know them, Take care of them. Yessss!!! One mark for me!

4. Less time on twitter. two marks!!!!! Yay me!!!

5. Get your big L on and start letting to drive. Three marks!!! I’m on a roll baybees!!!!

6. Attend more Human resource conferences. Done and done!! Check! 4 marks.

7. Take an hour before bed (10 or 11) to meditate on the day and write down things you are thankful for. Uuuuugggghhhh! *eyes glaze over*

8. Remember the fro and keep her nourished with multivitamins, moisture and oils. Once in a while, guys. Man cannot live by taking care of afros alone. 4.5 marks

9. Go out on more dates. Ummmn … No. Not the random dating type at all. And i’m seriously tired of guys right now… I’m now a shark… A lone shark traversing and daring any penis-wielding dude to dip his toe in my ocean. Oh yeah!

10. Develop a healthy eating regimen. So far, so good! 5.5 marks.

11. Always have a bottle of water in your bag. Well… I try. So, 6 marks.

12. Work on your relationship with God. Yup!! 7 marks.

13. Keep the nails uneaten. I am. I am. 8 marks.

14. Remember date-nights with God and don’t be late. Just an hour late…. That’s okay, right? Jehovah? Dad? Is that cool? .. 9 marks.

15. Learn to sew. Yuuurrrrp!!!! 10 marks.

16. Take yourself out to relax every three weeks. Ain’t nobody get time for that… We rest per night! 11 marks.

17. Reduce the shopping. Make More clothes yup! Hard at work on that! 12 marks.

18. Write your shopping wishlist for the year sha. Because you will still shop. Just keep to the list. i wrote the list… Counts for something right! 13 marks.

19. Save 20% of all inflow. *skips*

20. Pay your 10% tithe. #NeverForgetOrPostpone. Forever and ever and always! 14 marks.

21. Spend 10% for people in need. *Whistles by slowly*

22. Keep a journal of your spendings. TRY! Nahh… Don’t feel like trying.

23. Have a morning routine: pray, read, exercise, eat. *sigh*

14 out of 23….
That’s something! You guys vent so much about resolutions been broken by day two… But it’s month 9 and i’ve gone through 14.
So….

SUCCCKKKKK IIIIITTTTT!!!!

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Wuru-wuru to the answer aka cutting corners

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Hairinfinity has come to Nigeria.

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For y’all that don’t know, hairfinity is a medication that makes hair grow more and healthily at the cheap rate of eight thousand Naira or about 50 dollars monthly.
I kid.
That’s like two new shoes or two new bags or some clothes or a whole bunch of things on sales. And you’re dolling it all out hair that grows free of charge… Like paying for air because a floral-scented one has been developed.
My relaxer-free hair clocked two years in April. It’s 95% natural now. And it’s longer than it has ever been IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! It has crossed shoulder-length! I’ve never felt my hair where it is right now before.
AND taking care of it is just as stressful. Detangling, pre-poos, twist outs, hair-wash days… I can go on…
For these hairfinitians who can’t take care of their normal hair and suddenly hope to pop in this magic pills that’ll make it all awesome. I give them giggles and hahas. When it doesn’t work as well and gives them pimples and breakouts, I add doubling over and laughing my lungs out.

… And yeah, from investigation, it’s a glorified prenatal drug and makes your pee smell like fumes from hell. Other things you can use for your hair for hair growth: bull’s sperm (don’t ask me how they get it) and onions (as though cutting them doesn’t get you teary-eyed enough).
But i have a competition to win by december, who knows? I just might get myself some prenatal drugs. *strokes chin*

hairier and bleh

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This week. My colleagues at sewing school realized my hair was natural. Or “nachi” as the less mannered ones would say.

Last week and this week have been galore after galore of hearing nonsense and trying to dumb myself down to accommodate them.

 

Colleague 1: is your hair dada? (My hair was combed and packed oh)

me: *makes cricket sound*

this is My hair

this is My hair

this is dada

this is what dada looks like. the hair.

 

 

colleague: your hair…. relax it now… or are you afraid?

Β Me:Of what? That my hair will revolt and try to choke me to death?

 

Colleague 3: are you a deeper lifer?

Another colleague: her ears are pierced and she wears trousers. try and use your brain a little.

typical deeper life person.

 

Colleague 4: can you ever do your hair?

Another colleague: she has had attachment in her hair twice… which kind of question are you asking.?

 

Colleague 5: I have a good relaxer, Dr. Miracle, it will straighten your hair one-time!

Me: thanks, good to know.

 

These are just a few oh! My spirit man and I had a good hearty laugh over them in my spirit man.

I don’t know what gets this people so worked up about having natural hair… makes their skin breakout and have their balls itch. Its a sore bone with them. Hair salons that you’ll expect no discrimination have their pre-programmed “your hair is due” speech. ‘Due’ is the abbreviation for “Due to be changed from a curly afro to straight hair.” And all through trying to get your hair done with them will be mutters and complains and ‘poor you’ and “it must suck to be a deeper-lifer.”

Then the ones that actually know how to handle natural hair without pity and wishing it was relaxed, charge an arm, a leg and two pieces of land.

You just can’t win.

retrace & learn

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I didn’t write a resolution last year.

I don’t even know how that happened. I actually do… I was going through an impulsive phase then… wasn’t blogging much either. NYSC had just started and I was basking in the independence of having money coming in monthly. Great! Great! Great!

But I did learn along the way and that’s more important to me than any resolve.

1. The joy of salvation is real and true and it keeps me going when everything goes down. I’m saved and have a VIP pass to Heaven when I die. And even while here, God loves me and He has good plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11). I was a bit null about this for a while, but on the 11th of december I had my head fixed and had this joy returned fully once more.. can I hear a “whoop!!”?

2. I met a lot of people. We hung out some and were fives and sixes… and time happened and they went away. My only regret is I didn’t make more of these, because they disappear so easy. I don’t mind. They were people to talk to… they were important to have at that time but i wasn’t really attached… but as for the important ones, the favourite ones you DO need. Making out time and (yes) money for them… that’s important.

3. You mightn’t be Ms. Extrovert or Ms. Life of the party but there’s nothing wrong with who you are. Enjoy your “you”.

4. Guys are what they are. And don’t be a deceived. They rarely ever plan to be “just friends”… not like they want relationships oh, but they like having girls around them…. any girl. Especially attractive ones. They aren’t clingy, don’t be decieved. You can be replaced.

7. “Best-friends” aren’t forever and its not worth writing much. It’s in the shit happens sector of life.

6. People change. it’s life. Sometimes, people can’t deal with the new you. It’s life. And sometimes, you can’t deal with the new of others. It’s life as well.

7. “Sorry” isn’t a master-fixer. Nobody likes someone that’s always sorry. Be dependable. Don’t be that person that you depend on to fuck up. Think things through. In hearing sorry… in saying sorry, don’t ever expect things to return to the exact same eay they were.

8. Speaking your mind is a lot more relieving than holding it all in.

9. It is not your pregorative to give your number to anybody that wants it. This is in the bible.

10. Sneakers are awesome.

resolution 2014, lowkey supported by nikΓ©… Just Do It.

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So it’s a new year and it still has that new cloth smell… I have plans, I have resolutions…. people are so against them, I don’t get. How can you measure what you’ve done or not done without a conscious decision. Well, honestly, I don’t care about anybody else, it’s your life innit?

Do you, because ama do me.

Anyway, because I already have a basic picture of what I want when I turn 25. My goals for the year are really just the stepping stones to it.

1. Workout 4 times a week. Flat tummy is not by abracadabra.

2. Always have a christian book to read.

3. List out your friends names somewhere. Know them, Take care of them.

4. Less time on twitter. If you wanna waste time stroll around. Don’t stay cooped up. No one’s gonna steal you.

5. Get your big L on and start letting to drive.

6. Attend more human resource development conferences.

7. Take an hour before bed (10 or 11) to meditate on the day and write down things you are thankful for (I read this on my friend’s, tiemibix, blog and I’m applying it for myself all year.

8. Remember the fro and keep her nourished with multivitamins, moisture and oils.

9. Go out on more dates.

10. Develop a healthy eating regimen.

11. Always have a bottle of water in your bag.

12. Work on your relationship with God.

13. Keep the nails uneaten.

14. Remember date-nights with God and don’t be late.

15. Learn to sew.

16. Take yourself out to relax every three weeks.

17. Reduce the shopping. More clothes 18. Write your shopping wishlist for the year sha. Because you will still shop. Just keep to the list.

19. Save 20% of all inflow.

20. Pay your 10% tithe. #NeverForgetOrPostpone.

21. Spend 10% for people in need.

22. Keep a journal of your spendings. TRY!

23. Have a morning routine: pray, read, exercise, eat.

 

Might add more later, but yeah, this is the plan. Benjamin Franklin once said that it takes 13 weeks to develop a habit, good or bad. I have 52 weeks. There are No excuses.is not the answer.

 

 

there’s no I in team

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Two and a half yers ago, I decided my hair had her last romantic getaway with relaxers. #spoilerAlert, reladers do NOT relax uour hair…. no it is not a mini head masage that treats your strands to little spa treatments whilst pampering your scalp. A relaxer is much… much , more unrelaxing.

Relaxer makes african curly, kinky hair straight….. simple and short… till you have new growth to “relax” off again.

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How it looks like on paper and in adverts

They never tell you the bitter side Though…. the horrific feeling of having a zillion mosquitoes biting at your unsuspecting head…. and the wounds… oh Lord the wonds!! apart from the fact that my hair refused to stay straight in two weeks, she was back to her curly kinkiness.and that was how i went afro… my wallet was pleased. That was over two years ago.a lot more people are natural now… natural hair it is called.

And like any other “thing”… they have decided they are “unique” and “different” and are embracing their “africaness” unlike the relaxed hair-ed ones that are trying to have European hair.

And how best to celebrate your “uniqueness” than hashtagging your cause into a team.

So added to #teamVirgin, #TeamChristain, #TeamLefty, #teamDimples, #teamDarkSkinnedNoBleach, #TeamFatDontCareToHellWithMoniqueAndJenniferHudsonTheTurnCoats, #TeamPiercings, #TeamSlimAndSexyByForceByFire…

And of course, #TeamNatural… Guess I’m in that as well…

*sigh*